My mom, step-dad and the ex

I grew up in a blended family.  My father and step-mother didn’t have children of their own, so my step-mother didn’t have any ties to her ex-husband.  But, I remember the first time I met my step-dad’s kids.  I was probably 11 or 12 years old.  They lived about 1 1/2 hours away.  When we got to their house, his ex-wife invited us in.  My step-dad introduced us to her and her husband and the kids.  I had never experienced such a civil meeting of the ex’s in my life, as my parents could hardly live in the same town, let alone be in the same room together.

My years growing up and into my adult hood I experienced a lot of “family” gatherings that included my step-sister and step-brother, their mom and her many husbands.  My mom and my step-dad’s ex-wife were almost friends.  It was really nice for my step-siblings to experience so much peace in a world that is usually full of conflict.  I remember many times having dinner or lunch with my parents, my step-sibs and their mom.  She was always very nice to me, even giving me holiday gifts on occasion, always including me in the life of her own children, as their sibling. 

My parents had their personal opinions about her, but they never let that bleed into the situation.  They never spoke ill of my step-sibs mother in front of the kids, and actually hardly ever in front of me either.  Now as an adult I can form my own opinions and, believe me, I have them. haha  But to grow up with an example like this was such a blessing in my life. 

I realize now that my mother never had any jealousies toward the ex.  She didn’t speak ill of her, like I said, they were “almost” friends.  There were many occasions where mom and the ex would speak on the phone.  Where mom and me and my brother would go pick the kids up without my step-dad.  We’d go in the ex’s house and the ex was always so nice to me, and my mom!  Sometimes my brother would even go over to the ex-’s to spend time with our step-brother, as they were so close. 

I know this was an amazing example for me.  I didn’t realize it until I sat down to write this, how this affected the way I treat my daughter’s other parents.  My daughter’s dad and my husband and I have a similar relationship.  Even though, at this point in her life, my daughter’s dad has decided to participate very little, I have always included him in every aspect of her life.  There have been many occasions where he’s sat with us at school functions.  I always include him, and whomever he’s dating, in her birthday celebrations, inviting him over for cake and ice cream.

I remember having a conversation with my step-daughter, probably a year or so ago.  I was saying something about my ex’s girlfriend, at the time, and my step daughter said in a very shocked tone, “You talk with her?!?!”  I explained to her that of course I do.  She is a part of my daughters life, too.  She is good to my daughter and even though I don’t want to be with my daughter’s dad, I do wish happiness for him.  There’s no reason for me not to treat her like a friend.   I also feel that it is my responsibility, as the mom, to make the effort, to reach out and set the tone for the relationship, toward the new woman in the ex’s and my daughter’s life.

With the example I had set for me by my parents and my step-dad’s ex, it’s no wonder I have the positive attitude and experience that I do in my own life.  I feel like my life experience has given me an edge in this situation.  Experiencing a civil relationship between the entire blended family, in my own life, was such a positive example, I can’t imagine treating all parties any differently.

Unfortunately, not everyone has the same ideas.  Many times there are jealousies, pettiness and just downright meanness.  The way I look at it is, I don’t want to be with my ex, why not wish happiness for him.  I actually really like the girlfriend he’s had on and off over the years.  My husband and my ex are always cordial to each other, shake hands, speak politely.  In my perfect world it would always be like this…on all fronts…between all ex’s…everybody just one big happy family, loving their child, children, step-children and showing their kids how to treat other people by setting the utmost Christian example.

My Personal Co-Parenting Guidelines

• The kids come first.  Being a child of divorce, I totally understand all of the dynamics that go into this, therefore I ask the girls what they want and allow them to make decisions for themselves, within reason of course.
• Keep your personal feelings and opinions to yourself.  First and foremost I put my own personal feelings and opinions about the “other” parent out of the equation.  It’s so important to let the child see you being respectful and business-like to their other parent.  We are the example, so how can we show our children how to treat others if we’re not able to treat their other parent in a civil manner.  If you have an issue with your ex, discuss it like a mature adult, not like a tantrum throwing child playing the “blame” game.
• Be reasonable.  I don’t allow a set of papers that a judge, who doesn’t even know me or my child, determine their life.  I know that this is not always possible, but if you implement these guidelines, it can work.  I am fortunate that my daughter’s dad and I get along great, despite of my true feelings and opinions of him. 
• Do not try to control the other parent.  I DO NOT try to control the other parent by being petty, creating drama or conflict.  So often one parent, usually the residental, will try to control situations with the non-residental parent.  The key factor is finding ways to allow your child to have and nurture healthy relationships with both of their parents. 
• Be the adult.  I always use self control when dealing with the ex’s.  I do not make snide or petty comments, nor do I send snide or petty emails.  I conduct myself with the utmost maturity and if I have to respond, I do it in a manner that shows dignity and respect for my child, myself and their other parent. 
• Be a Christian.  When dealing with the other parent, I try to maintain myself in a Christian manner at all times.  I don’t see how anyone, claiming to be a Christian, can claim such when their behaviour reflects otherwise. 
• Be realistic.  Sometimes things in life change.  People have to move away, dates and times don’t always work out.  When these things occur, don’t expect that what those papers may say on the day of your divorce will always be, circumstances change, life changes.  Realize that those things are out of your control, and although it may inconvenience you to take your child across town, or to the airport, you are doing this for your child.  Remember that in the end, this is about your child, not you.
• Be fair.  The important thing is for your child to be able to spend reasonable and quality time with their other parent.  Think about your child and what their wishes are.  Be willing to to be flexible with time when they’re not in school, extra days around the holidays, school days out and summer time.
• Agree to disagree.  It’s very rare for all co-parents to agree with the parenting styles of each other.  In my perfect world, we’d all be able to sit down and agree to have most of the same rules in all households involved…that doesn’t exists.  We all need to agree that we have different parenting styles.  That doesn’t mean that anyone’s style is better or worse, right or wrong, it just means we’re different. 
• Be the peace-keeper.  Try to instill peace in the equation of co-parenting.  Life is difficult enough and filled with all sort of stresses, we don’t need to add to it by creating problems for the other parents, which in turn hurts our children. 
• Put yourself in their place.  Walk a mile in their shoes.  Think about things from the perspective of your ex and your children.  Even though you may not like your ex, or spouse’s ex, it’s still your child’s other parent.  Imagine how your child feels when you’re creating issues instead of trying to resolve them.
• Get over yourself.  Just because the marriage didn’t work out, doesn’t mean that your ex is a bad person.  They’re just not the right person for you.  You are not that amazing, that your ex hasn’t moved on.  They’ve moved on and so should you.  You need to realize that, especially when they’re remarried, they are over you and you need to get over yourself.
•  Communicate.  Do whatever it takes to communicate with your ex, about your child only.  They do not care what’s going on in your personal life, unless it’s affecting the child.  Let your ex know everything, whether it’s as simple as a dental appt. to anything and everything that’s going on in school.  You don’t have to talk to them, necessarily, with today’s technology, you can email, text, regular mail or have the school send information to the other parent.  Don’t use your child to communicate, but do include your child in all communication.
• Do not use child support as a weapon.  I am on both sides the fence here.  I am “supposed” to get child support and my husband does pay his.  Whether or not you think the child support is getting used the way it should is completely out of your control and the child support has absolutely nothing to do with your child or their relationship with their other parent.  I know this is difficult, believe me, I haven’t recieved child support in 2 years, but it’s very important to keep it as a separate entity.  This is not and should not be used as a tool to keep your child from their other parent.
• Treat your ex as you want to be treated by them.  It’s a known fact the people mirror the way they are being treated.  If you’re positive and keep a good attitude, you’ll be treated that way; if you’re negative, difficult and ugly, that’s the response you’ll get.
• Don’t play the game.  The best way to respond to the ex that plays games is to not respond.  If they want to play games, you do not have to participate in their conflict.  If they serve you some drama, don’t hit back…if you don’t play, there’s no game.
• Be supportive to your child.  Once again, our personal emotions and opinions are completely  irrelevant to your childs relationship with their other parent.  Be supportive of your childs feelings toward their other parent.  Let your child know that their other parent is doing the best they know how to do.  We may not understand “why” they do the things they do, but they are doing things the way they know how.  Allow your child to express their emotions about their other parent, whether those are positive or negative feelings, don’t tear their other parent to pieces, just allow the child to vent to you.  Validating their feelings and helping them understand why they’re feeling the way they do is so much me productive than tearing apart their other parent.  Be objective about the situation, don’t automatically bash the other parent because you have ill feelings toward them.
• Include the other parent in important decisions.  Often one parent thinks they know best, they know all, and their parenting style is the only way, but that’s not realistic.  They want to control you and what goes on in your home, and if you don’t comply they threaten and blame you.  Include all parents in major decisions, seriously!  And, if you make the decision on your own, don’t expect the co-parent to foot the bill for it.  There is a difference between need, necessity, and somthing that you want your child to do.  Again, you may need to agree to disagree, but put your child first.
• Your ex is not your enemy.  Regardless of how it may seem, your ex is not out to ruin your life, inconvenience you, or make you miserable.  They just want fair, realistic treatment.  Amazingly enough, you may find out that they can actually be an ally.

These are the guidelines that my husband and I use as co-parents.  Regardless of our personal relationship with our ex’s, we don’t have to live with them, we don’t have to like them, we don’t have to do anything, but make sure that our daughters are happy, physically and mentally healthy, and have a positive relationship with all of their parents. 

Let’s all just get along.

 

Thank you, to my family, for an amazing Mother’s Day

First I want to say thank you to my wonderful girls for a great Mother’s Day.  Without my children, I would not be celebrating today.  Even though my step-daughter wasn’t with us, she took the time out to text me a “Happy Mother’s Day!  I love you!”  first thing this morning.  I received the sweetest card from my 8 year old.  Just when I feel like she thinks she has the meanest mom in the world, she goes and writes me the most beautiful card…

“Dear Mom,

Your as sweet as sugar.  Your as beautiful as a rose.  I could not live without you.  Your kiss is as gentle as a giraffe.  My love always surrounds you.  You love me as much as a lion is wild.  You can’t measure how much I love you.  I love you more than the sun is wide and hot.  You are the prettiest mom I’ve ever seen.  Our love for eachother continues forever.  Your love for me continues forever.  My love for you continues forever.

I love you,

Punkin”

Of course I cried when I read this…and laughed.  I wondered just how gentle the kiss of a giraffe would be, not to mention her other metaphors.  She is such a funny little kid.  I didn’t change any of the spelling or punctuation in her letter because it’s just too precious.

After a very sleepless night last night, for some unknown reason I was up until 3am, I awoke rather refreshed by a sweet little voice.  My husband made a little breakfast for us, we did some much needed homework, we all have some projects we’re working on, and pretty much just chilled.

While I was being sleepless last night, I texted my mom, sister, niece, and 3 best friends a Happy Mother’s Day.  My mom, friends and niece texted me back, my sister called, my brother texted and my nephew called.  The coolest thing about my family is that nobody ever forgets to wish each other a happy holiday, no matter what the holiday.

So, all in all I had a fantastic mother’s day.  The only thing that could have made it better was if my stepdaughter would have been here.  Thank you to my amazing family for such a special day.  I love you all so much and you’ll never know how much your remembrance of me, means…

 

Happy Mother’s Day!

Dear Mom,

Now that I have some life experience and mothering experince under my belt, I can understand you in a way that I never did before.  I realize that you were the very best mom you knew how to be.  There’s no teaching manual or courses offered on mothering.  We are products of our own life experience.  We try to be the kind of parent we wished we’d had. 

Now that I have a daughter who is EXACTLY like me, I laugh sometimes at how frustrated you must have gotten with me, actually exasperated!   I’m sure you laugh when listening to me tell stories of how stubborn she is, knowing full well what I’m experiencing.  

I know how proud you are of both of your granddaughters, and how unconditionally you love them.  Even though one was inherited with my 2nd marriage, you’d never know that she hasn’t always been your granddaughter from birth, by the way you love and treat her.

I know that you didn’t have the easiest life.  I know that you made choices you probably never dreamed you’d have to make.  I know that you made mistakes you wish you could do over.  I know that as a mother, you did the very best you knew how to do. 

I love you very much mom.  I wish I could give you an  easier life.  You deserve so much more than you receive.  You work so hard and give so much to your family, asking little or nothing in return. 

We haven’t had the best relationship, and sometimes still struggle with that.  But, I want to tell you how proud I am of you.  You are a great example of unconditional love and acceptance of your family.   And even though you may not be the very perfect mom, I know I am far from the perfect daughter.  We still grow and we still learn, not only from each other, but from my girls.

Thank you for supporting me when I need you.  Thank you for leaving me alone when I need some space.  Thank you for loving my girls and my husband, and accepting them into your life with no conditions or qualms. 

Happy Mother’s Day Mom!!!

All my love,

Stacy

MOM - Job Description

 –Following post found on–  http://cliffmama.com/momjob.html

POSITION:

Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy

JOB DESCRIPTION:

Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES:

The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION:

Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:

None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION:

Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and this wish you could only do more.

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While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

Life at 40…

I realize that sometimes I’m overly optimistic, but I have my moments of doubt.  Last week I turned  !  Thankfully people are shocked when I tell them my age, genetically I’m very blessed with great skin.  I had a great birthday, as my husband made sure it was very special, I’m so lucky to have him, but this wasn’t an easy day to reach.

About 3 weeks before my birthday I started taking a personal inventory of my life and I spent those 3 weeks crying a lot, and in quite a funk.  At 40 I really thought certain aspects of my life would be so different.  What I realized in that self exploration is that, even though the journey may have been different than what I had envisioned it being, it turned out amazingly well. 

At 40 I have a personal relationship with the Lord.  I am healthy, strong, confident, self loving and beautiful.  I have the most amazing, wonderful husband, whom I share an awesome relationship with, and after 6 years we’re still very much in love.  I have a fantastic biological daughter that is more than I could have ever dreamed she’d be and, by marriage, I have another fantastic daughter whom I am so fortunate to have such a great relationship with.  I have a wonderful mom and step dad, sister, brother, nieces and nephew.  I have my own business and am so blessed to be able to work with very good, positive people.  I have amazing friends that support me no matter what.  God has blessed me with a positive out look on life, a great attitude, and the capacity to be able to touch people’s lives and really make a difference. 

Material possessions are pointless to me.  We need what we need and that’s enough for me.  I don’t want to be a millionaire, just have enough to pay my debts and be able to give my daughter’s the educations they deserve.  I have a nice home, dependable vehicles, clothing, food, and warmth.  Thanks to the good Lord, I do not want for anything.  He has supplied me with everything I could ever want from this life.

In my personal inventory I realized that, even though the journey of my life may not have been what I’d planned, the outcome is more than I could have ever expected.  How blessed I am of this life and I am so thankful for another year to celebrate and appreciate my blessings. 

So, yeah, I’m 40 now.  A new decade of my life…a new journey filled with so many blessings…

Family time boxing…

Manny and I love spending time with our girls.  We work hard and we love to laugh and play hard.  We’ve been trying to think of something fun that we all can do this summer, together.  Since Manny and I love working out, we decided to implement fitness into our family time, so we’re delving into boxing. 

We talked to the girls, first, and asked them what they thought about doing boxing as a family.  We looked at equipment and it’s actually very inexpensive.  We explained that this would be a great way to spend time together and work on our fitness.  Sissy and Punkin’ were both so excited!

I used to work with a trainer and do kickboxing, so I’m quite familiar with the proper forms and techniques.  We really don’t have a lot of money and since I have exprience, we purchased a boxing DVD for $5.99 today.   We were so excited about it!  I was texting Sissy the entire time we were in the stores looking for a boxing DVD.

Manny and I came home and boxed and sweated our butts off.  It was really pretty easy, Manny took to it like a natural and I remembered a lot from my kickboxing days.  I texted Sissy and told her how fun it was.  She said that she can’t wait to do it with us.

It’s so easy to spend very little money and be able to bond with your family.  We love doing things that are easy and a great bonding experience for our family.  We live in a society that most people believe you have to spend a lot of money to do things with your family…sooo not true!  We are doing something that’s not only a great inexpensive bonding experience, but a great way to stay healthy!